Humorous Poems


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Humorous Poems Directory(Click on Name to Read Poem; Then Use Your "Back" Button to Return to This Menu.)
Can't Take it With You	The Salesman	The Stray Dog Tale	The Earthworm
The Indian	Opportunity Knocks	Dirt Biker's Lament	The Panda
Born to Lose

Can't Take it With You

A wealthy man was very ill; he knew that death was near.
Of all the things he had in life his money was most dear.
He’d worked and labored all his life. He loved the wealth he’d made.
He didn’t want to leave it so he prayed and prayed and prayed.
He prayed so long and earnestly that an angel heard his plea,
Appeared to him and said, "My man, this thing just cannot be."
He asked the angel, "Please, oh please ask God if just this time
He’ll let me bring the thing I’ve worked so hard for all my life."
"I’ll ask him," said the angel. Then he left and went away.
The wealthy man continued then to pray and pray and pray.
When he returned the angel said, "The Lord has heard your prayer.
When you go to Heaven, take one suitcase with you there."
Overjoyed, the rich man filled his largest suitcase up
With pure gold bars. He stuffed and stuffed and filled it to the top.
Before too long he met St. Peter at the Pearly Gate.
St. Peter first said "Enter." But then he told him, "Wait!"
"You can’t bring earthly things in here, through the Gates of Glory."
So the man told Peter of his prayers, recounting the whole story.
Peter checked it out, and said, "What you have said is true.
But I must check the contents before you can go through."

So he looked inside, and on his face was utter disbelief.
"Why," said he, "have you brought from earth more
PAVEMENT for the STREET?"

The Salesman

Luke was a hippy, weird and wild;
A real, true, genuine flower child.
Homer Brown had a happy life,
A men’s clothing store, two kids, and a wife.
Homer put a sign in his window one day
Saying “Salesman Wanted, Right Away.”
Luke walked by and viewed the sign
As a way to make money without half tryin’.
Homer was speechless when Luke the slob
Said, “Hey! You need a salesman, and I need a job!”
When his voice returned he asked Luke real slow,
“Do you really think you can sell men’s clothes?”
Luke said, “Sure, Man! This I know,
I could sell ice to an Eskimo!”
Homer was in a real big bind.
He really didn’t want that kind
Of person in his organization,
But if the guy hollered “discrimination”
He’d be in an even bigger mess.
What to do next he couldn’t even guess.
Then he remembered the suit on the rack.
It was orange and red and yellow and black.
Homer by now was feeling real mean so he
Added a vest that was yellow and green.
He pulled it out from the clothing rack.
Luke took one look and was taken aback.
“What in the world is that?” said Luke.
“This is my salesman testing suit,”
Said Homer with a great big smile.
“It’s been with me for quite awhile.
I’m leaving now for an hour or more.
If you sell the suit, the job is yours.”
Homer smiled again as he closed the door,
Knowing he was off the hook for sure.
When he returned the first thing he saw
Was the hippy, bruised, scratched, bleeding, and raw.
His clothes were in shreds from his knees to his chin,
But on his face was a great big grin.
“I sold the suit! I did it, Man!”
Said Luke. “Hey, boss, you got a new hand!”

“I can’t believe you did that, Luke.
Was the customer happy with the suit?”
“Yeah, man! The customer liked it a bunch.
But his seeing eye dog nearly ate my lunch.”

The Stray Dog Tale

While walking down the street one day
A preacher saw some boys at play.
He saw a dog somewhere in the middle
Of a group of twelve, all in a huddle.
Concerned about the dog’s welfare,
The preacher decided to stop right there
And check things out, so he stopped and said,
“What’s going on, my little lads?”
“Well, sir,” one of the boys explained,
“This here dog’s just a neighborhood stray.
We all want to take him home.
Ain’t no use just lettin’ ‘im roam.
So we’ve decided he belongs to the guy
Who can tell the biggest whoppin’ lie.”
The minister was horrified,
Could hardly believe his ears or eyes.
So he began to preach to them
About the perils of such a sin.
He went on for ten minutes or more,
And then he said, “I’ll tell you for sure,
When I was your age, little guys,
I never, never told a lie.”

The boys just stood and looked at him
In silence for a long, long time.
The preacher thought, “They understood.
I know after this, that they’ll be good.”
Then one of them said, “The dog is yours.
You’ve told the biggest lie for sure.”

The Earthworm

Mrs. Brown had taught first grade for twenty years or more.
She was a real good teacher; all the folks knew that for sure.
One day in her zeal to teach her students helpful things
She chose drinking whiskey, and the problems that it brings.
She poured some whiskey in a glass so they could plainly see,
Then showed to them an earthworm. All the students squealed with glee.
“See how he wiggles and moves so fast,” said Mrs. Brown, and then
She dropped him straight down in the glass. They didn’t understand.
She held the glass, and then she said, “Now, come and look inside.”
They looked, and it was plain to see, he had shriveled up and died.
“Now children,” she said tenderly, “you’ve all looked at this worm.
“Can anyone explain today the lesson that you’ve learned?”
All the students shook their heads, but Johnny raised his hand.
“I know, I know,” Little Johnny said. “I know! I understand!”
Mrs. Brown saw Johnny’s hand and she was very glad.
With glowing eyes and a happy heart, she looked at him and said,

“All right, Johnny. Stand up, now, and tell them what you learned.”
“If you drink whiskey all the time, you never will have worms!”

The Indian

Two old cowboys, Ralph and Bill, topped a hill one day.
Saw an Indian on the ground, not too far away.
They looked at one another, then rode that way real slow.
They could see that something strange was goin’ on below.
"I’ll bet he’s listenin’ to the ground," said Bill, "'cause it’s a fact
That they can tell what’s goin’ on for miles by doin’ that."
"If this ain’t no Injun trick," said Ralph, "come on, let’s go
"And find out how he does that, 'cause I’d shore like to know."
They rode up real cautious, then heard some real low tones.
"One wagon pulled by six big mules. White man not alone.
"White woman sit beside him; six kids in wagon too."
They looked at one another, not believing this was true.
"Hey, Injun, how do you know that?" Said Ralph. "I’d like to know --
Did you really hear those things, and is this really so?"

"White man speak with loco tongue," said the Indian with a groan.
"Wagon run over Indian and just keep rollin’ on."

Opportunity Knocks

Old Stanley lived a pretty normal life;
Had a dog, three children, and an ornery ex-wife.
Sometimes he was lonely, but he usually got by;
Kept his mind on his work and drank beer with the guys.
One day his neighbor, a little blonde beauty,
Dropped by his house. She was really a cutie.
She flirted with Stan, and he was never the type
To pass an opportunity as it happened by.
Romance began to blossom that day.
Opportunity led poor old Stanley astray.
But now Stan’s a-wishin’ he hadn’t been bold.
He should have known all that glitters ain’t gold,
Blondies’s big boyfriend returned from Spokane
And made his displeasure real clear to Stan.
Now Stan’s recuperatin’, wishin’ he was dead.
The door of opportunity fell on his head.

The Panda

A big old pudgy panda bear walked into McDonald's one day.
Ordered a Big Mac, fries and a Coke, and ate it all right away.
He paid his bill at the counter, then with a great big grin
He pulled out a big water pistol and shot the cashier in the chin.
He sauntered out to the sidewalk; the cashier followed him there.
Drying his face he said, "Why'd you do that? It wasn't really fair."
"In the encyclopedia, friend, the answer can be found."
The panda said, and then he left, saying, "Well, I'll see ya around."
The cashier looked it up that night. What he saw he couldn't believe.
The encyclopedia said, "Panda -- eats shoots and leaves."

Dirt Biker's Lament

A hotshot rider, that's what I are.
Ya better watch out, 'cause I'm goin' far.
I've been around, that's where I've been
And I'm hittin' the enduro trail again.
Just keep your eyeballs glued on me
And you'll see a winner, that's what you'll see.
Here we are on the line today.
Look out, now, stay out of the way.
My cycle's fast, and it's name is Power.
It'll eat that ground up, by the hour.
Step aside, or you might get hurt
'Cause this big motor's pawing the dirt.
There's a big guy up ahead of me
Ridin' a step-through Honda 90 (tee-hee)!
I'll pass him, just watch my style.
He'll eat my dirt before he's gone five miles.
Off the line and through the trees
Slipping down those trails with ease.
Passing riders left and right
Hit a stump — that wasn't too bright.
Through the checkpoint. Close enough.
I'll zero the next one, watch my stuff.
Fifteen miles the marker said.
Two more hours, I'll be home in bed.
Where's that step-through Honda gone?
Lost the trail, that's what he's done.
No, there he is, in front of me.
I can't believe what my eyes see.
Down the trail, giving it gas
Well I'll be darned, this guy's real fast.
Hey, there's a big wide straight-of-way.
I'll teach this guy about power today.
Around the bend and heading upwards.
Pass a guy who fell over backwards.
Sure would like to lend a hand
But being late I couldn't stand.
Man, this hill's a real lulu.
That guy on the Honda no can do.
This here hill ain't made for porkers.
The ones who'll make it are super-torquers.
Up and up and up some more.
This thing will top out soon, for sure.
Hey, there's the checkpoint, whaddaya know.
Just like I said, a big zero.
Boogiein' on and havin' fun.
This ain't no race. It's a turkey run.
A log in the trail, but I can't stop.
I'll just wheelie right over the top.
Ouch! What went wrong? And where am I?
Just through the stars, I can see the sky.
Take a count of fingers and toes.
Yeah, they're all here, well, that's how it goes.
Gotta get up and go again.
The guy on the Honda says, "Hey, man!
These logs are tricky now, aren't they?"
Then he rides right over and goes on his way.
That guy's beginning to give me a pain.
Who does he look like? Oh, yes, John Wayne.
Finishing up, not quite so fast.
This darn headache ain't no blast.
I'll do all right though, wait and see.
No little old crash is gonna stop me.
The third check, then the fourth — not bad.
If I could lose this headache I'd be glad.
Back to camp and count up points.
I think my neck's popped out of joint.
There's old "Step-Through" standing tall.
I hear he won first overall.

Born to Lose

Freasier here, and rarin’ to go.
This 400 Yamaha’s flyin’ low.
Number 41 is next on the line;
Gotta make that first checkpoint on time!
The guy with the timepiece drops his hand
And I let out the clutch. Hey, what’s this, man?
Kill the thing, let out a curse,
What made the darn thing run in reverse?
Well, let’s get going, no time to waste.
Gotta get off that line with haste.
Up the hill, around the curve.
That squirrel on the Honda’s got his nerve!
Move over, man, take a dive!
Whaddaya think this is, a Sunday drive?
Must get around, above, beneath,
Leave that guy picking rocks from his teeth.
A few regrets as I hit the clover.
Nah, serves him right. He shouldda moved over.
Easy now, you’re hitting the rough.
What kind of nut laid out this stuff?
A sharp left curve, then a straight uphill.
If anything will make it, this Yamaha will.
A great big wheelie over the top
Astonish the crowd, but no time to stop.
Sure would have liked to take a bow,
But the time to make up time is now.
Gas it, man, or you’re gonna be late.
The trail’s too narrow, it must be fate.
This guy in front rides like a beginner.
With any luck, I’ll get by before dinner.
Ah, there’s a straight, why, this is a breeze.
Careful, now, don’t let that engine seize.
Take a left, then under a tree
There’s the checkpoint, plain to see.
Where’s that flipcard? I’m in dutch.
One minute early. This is too much.
Going again, watch that speed.
Right on time, that’s what I need.
Watch it now, and keep the pace.
With any luck, You’ll get first place.
Here we go, man I ain’t lyin’
This old Yamaha’s really flyin’!
This is heaven, there ain’t no doubt.
The speedo now reads 30 miles out.
What was that? Do my nerves grate?
Or did I hear that engine hesitate?
It just can’t be, it can’t be so,
Come on, Yamaha, come on, let’s go!
Get out the tools, where’s that plug?
Throw it quickly into that jug.
Kick, man kick! — Come on, start!
Come on, Yamaha, let’s depart!
Hurry up now, that’s my desire.
Maybe the thing ain’t gettin’ any fire.
No, there’s the spark, as plain as can be,
What to do next? Oh, woe is me.
Think, now, think. It won’t help to pout.
Not out of gas? No, man! That’s out!
Check the tank, I think I’ll cry.
There’s that guy on the Honda, waving “bye-bye”
Watching the crowd while my hopes sank,
Just 32 miles to a dadburned tank.


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